21 and Single: Is He really enough for me?

It is a daily struggle. One day I am thrilled and enjoying being a single, 21 year old lady, and the next, I am scarfing down Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice-cream, texting my best girl friends; complaining, and drowning my brain in chick flick movies just to "feel better." As I began to write this, my roommate came out and squealed over how excited she was to watch "Just Wright." A chick flick. I have never ever seen this movie. But by her reaction, the longing in her heart exploded right in front of my face.

 I have had a fair share of relationships so far in my lifetime. All of which ended at some point, for better or for worse, but they shaped me. Believe it or not. They all had a little corner of impact on my life. Although, I cannot help but think of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" at this point and time.

We must understand that:

                         [:: We are made for relationships::]

I do not regret anything from the past. I have been cut deep; some of which have healed completely, others which have left scars. Healed, but still visible. Healed, and somehow, He makes them beautiful. Even though these relationships ended, and even though it hurt so bad sometimes that I got sick, His promise remains full. He is faithful. He will provide for me. He loves me. I will know when (and who) that man is in His will. The one in which He has called him to love me unconditionally and I, in return. 

I am sure some of you can, without a doubt, agree with me when I say: holy relationships, engagements & weddings! People, they are literally everywhere. Ladies, this is what we want. This is what we desire. To be loved by a man. Unconditionally. Who knows our hearts and makes us laugh. Who walks with us and supports us in our dreams. Who loves us tenderly and cares even when we think we don't need him; that we can handle it on our own. This is hard seeing all of this come up around us. IT IS PRESSURE. It makes us cry at night. It makes us flirt excessively. It makes us DESPERATE. But what are we desperate for? What is it that we so long for? 

Ladies, for me, oh, I think about my per se "dream" man OFTEN. Like he really is Prince Charming or something... I look for his characteristics in every single guy I meet. I look. I seek. I find, but sometimes, it just "doesn't work out" with that so called "maybe, baby." And I get hurt, trying...to make him like me. When really, that is not what God wants for me and my heart.

I would like for you to take a moment and think about or write down the characteristics of your dream guy...

Now, here are my 10 top traits:

1) He has to deeply love Jesus.

2) He has to make me laugh.

3) He has to have some musical ability/inclination (vocal/instrumental). 

4) He has to support me in my dreams. 

5) He has to have at least a little bit of a traveler's heart.

6) He has to be good looking (at least to me). 

7) He has to be able to cook, bake/want to learn how.

8) He has to be confident and growing in confidence. 

9) He has to be loving. 

10) He has to be kind and respectful. 

Do we have any in common? :)

In writing out these traits, at one point, past experiences, traits that I know I like, and traits that I would love to find all popped into my little brain at some point or another. That is common! If you have no experience with past relationships, that's okay! I believe firmly that these specific traits have been laid on your heart for a reason; because they are compatible with you and who you were created to be. 

Now, for me, one trait that is really hard to accept about a man sometimes is that when something is wrong with you, it is common that he tries to fix it. He wants to be the hero. The one who makes it all better. And ladies, we hate this sometimes! It's a battle of I really love that you care, stop talking to me...I can handle this myself or you don't care. I just need someone to cry with me. Go away. Is this not true? We have to realize that when this happens, he is only trying to care. But in reality, we ALSO want those who will cry with us. That's when the girl friends come in; with the 4 pound Hershey bar. 

We use yet another 4 pound Hershey bar like 2 days later to get us through this time of singleness in our lives. One thing that I have realized lately is that: maybe this time of singleness I am in is for the betterment of myself and of the man I marry before we even meet. I know, it is hard to enjoy a time like this when the world around you is throwing the pressure of happy relationships and 50,000 engagements and marriages at a time at you daily. It is hard to be satisfied. Truly satisfied. Like we are starving all the time for something more. Something that we long and dream for; which is normal. 

Today, I was thinking: "Am I ever going to get married?" I texted two of my best lady friends and asked them the same question. Both responses were great, but there was one that just blew me away that I just had to share with you. She says this:

Girl, you are not alone on that one! I go in between stressing out thinking I'll never get married and then enjoying being single...I heard someone compare being single to fasting--there are a lot of parallels: it's okay to long for food, but if we just wait til the fast is over, we didn't get anything out of it. It's not about giving up food, but what you turn your focus to. We are designed to want food and we are designed to want a relationship. We aren't supposed to feel guilty for wanting that...God really knows us and what's in the future. 

This word from my dear friend really made a lot of sense in my mind. And was so encouraging. In our time of singleness, it is not about being single, it is about what and who we turn our focus to in that season. It is not wrong to want a relationship or to be married, but it all has its own time. And in that time, we must be satisfied with what God has given us and who He is for us. 

You could say that everyday, I know that His promise for me is true and unchanging. In this time of singleness, I know in my heart that He has someone in mind that I just might like. Someone who comes no where close to what my past relationships were for me. Someone who is better. Because in this time, I have grown, and you will, too, to be better. It is because of Him that I have a hope in my heart for the future. I will still struggle daily, but it is His promise, and only His promise, that I have to hold onto. Not the pint of Ben & Jerry's ice-cream I bought a few days ago (literally), not for all of the chick flicks, love songs, or chocolate in the world. But for Him. 

In this time of singleness, press into the precious opportunity of growing in yourself. Get to know your dreams, your desires, and take the time to appreciate it all. I know I have. And then, one day, he will come for the pursuit of his "lady in waiting." And it will be just so beautiful. Sisters, have faith. You are breathtaking! You will be provided for. And your story of waiting will be one worth sharing. 

If you would like to share a story with me, or just to talk, ask questions, etc, please email me at:

singlikecrazy@msn.com

I am here for you and would love to walk this journey with you!

Much love, beauties,

Rachel Yvonne Kuhl

Marriage & Ministry: Not-So-Fairytale

Night classes normally are not what someone would describe as the "best thing in the world." They are long, sometimes boring, and all you can think about is hibernating until the next Marvel or Nicholas Sparks movie comes out. 

I am in a night class on Mondays called Practical Theology. I know, it sounds like we all might as well just start drooling and playing Frogger now. But really, this class has impressed me. The topics covered and talked about have not been easy; not once. 

Tonight, we talked about marriage and ministry. It sounds like just a normal topic spoken about inside and outside of the Church, but really it is quite as polar opposite as the north is to the south. 

Here are 84 different points that were made by a panel of two ministry couples, one of which works at Colorado Christian University as professors. These are the opinions and experiences of those in the class and those who were part of the panel. There is such beauty in them all. Read through them. You might find something you have never begun to think about. See if there are any that you can relate to: married, single, dating, or engaged...

1) Just because one of you is called to something, doesn't mean the other is too.

2) There is a difference in volunteering to partake and expectation. 

3) The schedule (in ministry) is a little bit of a challenge sometimes.

4) As a family, or spouse, involved in ministry, you are very, very cared for.

5) How do you make your community and social life in church when your spouse may be working through something with them?

6) It can be demanding and people have expectations of you: appearance, behavior, etc. 

7) Be able to have boundaries between ministry and private life. 

8) Husbands and wives working on church staff—healthy? Prayer. 

9) When the future is distant, it seems super impossible. 

10) Giving is very big in relationships. It is poisonous to be selfish. 

11) Best for my spouse/family? Or best for me?

12) That other person is going to have a calling on their life, too. 

13) Better to understand this somewhat before getting married. 

14) Share life. 

15) Biggest challenge is learning to work together. 

16) Go where God is putting on your heart. 

17) Two different ships going in two different directions does happen sometimes. 

(Just don't marry that person)…

18) Bring the stress home? —-> People who lead in the Church, still have problems. 

19) It is hard to keep stuff from your best friend (they can read you). 

20) Let stuff out in a healthy way; whether it’s on your spouse or something/someone else.

21) Be able to vent/know other couples in ministry that go to different churches. 

22) Make sure to get out; plan it; weekly/monthly, etc. in a healthy way

23) Always be biased to your spouse. 

24) Be careful in how you approach conversations about other people that your spouse may know. 

25) Be able to discern well. 

26) Constant juggling act. 

27) Speak life. 

28) You marry their family: in daily lives somewhere at some point in some way, every day.

29) Engagement is a weird mix of bliss & everyone’s opinions. 

30) Functional or not; they are there (their family).

31) The bride is always right (weddings).

32) It’s a new level of different going from engaged to married.

33) Splitting holidays between families. 

34) You have to do what is best for your family; sometimes telling somebody “no.”

35) Do something with your spouse as your own special thing before you go see family.

36) Reach out to other people outside of your family that may have no place to go for holidays.

37) It can be hard to let go sometimes. 

38) You don't have to absolutely always be on the exact same page theologically, or at all, so don't freak out over some little small agreement. 

39) If you are dating a non-believer, stop. 

40) You are not each other’s pastor.

41) Accountability partners of same sex. 

42) Don’t try to give them all the answers in a season. 

43) You journey together.

44) They are just as weak and vulnerable as you are.

45) You can always learn something from your spouse.

46) Your marriage isn't anybody else’s. Don’t try to be another couple; you are NOT “the perfect couple…”

47) How you perceive someone should be can be dangerous and toxic…

48) Please don’t force them to be something they are not.

49) Don’t allow in unhealthy expectations of yourself or your spouse.

50) Each relationship is different. 

51)[://Don’t divide and conquer; unite and accomplish//:]

52) Reality is messy.

53) Invest time in strong Christian couples (friends)

54) Don’t put on facades.

55) You can’t avoid ups and downs of life. 

56) Every relationship should be driven by friendship.

57) What does that person look like when…?

58) Engaging one another spiritually even if the way you engage is different. 

59) Find one way that you can minister together.

60) Learn to appreciate each other’s values…remember to admire your spouse.

61) Take joy in what they are learning; even if it might be intimidating. 

62) My relationship with God is no lesser than my spouse’s.

63) Children in ministry: PK’s (Pastor Kids)—>there is a spectrum of following Christ or choosing not to

—>Be their parent first.

—>Surround yourself with mentors

64) Wellness counseling (individual and together)

65) Professional counseling before marriage (not people you know)

66) It’s okay to say you need help in your relationship (ALWAYS)—>do not wait too long.

67) Counseling can save marriages many times.

68) Sometimes you need to make some major life changes

69) Ministry will cost you in your marriage

70) How did you love your husband? your children? your family? NOT: how big was my ministry? etc?

71) When you don’t know yourself, you can’t love somebody else.

72) Each marriage has their own problems.

73) Our children should be treated like every other kid in the church. NO special treatment. 

74) Don’t let them put expectations on you and your family (examine it).

75) [://It all comes back to priorities//:]

—>What do you have to cut to come back and save what is dying? (Bob Goff)

76) TRUTH: Ministry is super prone to affairs: very unexpected people: no one is immune to that: it is such a people person job: really guard & protect and know it is a reality.

77) Your spouse’s job is not to guard your heart: YOU GUARD YOUR OWN.

78) Stop getting only the help you WANT.

79) Our parents always love us even if they don’t communicate it correctly.

80) Get advice from a couple that you admire.

81) Allow yourself to find and know and spend time around good relational marriages.

82) With God and the help of the Church, it is possible.

83) Have things to be proud of in your spouse.

84) Pride in awe.

(what He has done through your spouse)

If you are reading this, share it with those who you think would appreciate it. Think about it. May He bless you wherever you are in life. He loves you.

Much love.

Rachel Yvonne